All in the Family

Calvin: Pops, the groceries are still on the counter!

Pops: Oh, I thought Nikki put them away.

Calvin (jokingly reproachful): You can't count on Nikki for everything, Pops. That's my job! Is your name Calvin? . . . . . . Oh, wait.

Yes, Pops' name is Calvin—Calvin Sr.

Young Grasshopper Has Much to Learn

My sister, Chelsea, and my oldest nephew, Alex, are having Mediterranean food for lunch. This leads to talk of Greek mythology, Greek history, and eventually, Roman history.

Chelsea: . . . that's why you'll hear people mention the Ides of March—you know, when Brutus killed Caesar.

Alex (forkful of food suspended in midair, looking utterly bemused): A Buddhist killed Caesar???

Lost in Translation

Folks who grew up in the Philippines and speak the native language(s) of that country tend to have a hard time pronouncing certain consonants. "F" and "v," for example, tend to come out as "p" and "b." And, just as English speakers sometimes do, the hard "t" occassionally will be dropped from the end of words.

Earlier this year, I was visiting Pops in the Philippines and he was telling me about a town we were driving through.

Pops: Look around—you can see dat dis is a piss-poor town.

Me (outraged, thinking that it's not the residents fault if they're piss poor before realizing my dad wouldn't say that): I'm sorry—what kind of town is this again Pops?

Pops (enunciating carefully): It's a. Pish. Poor. Town.

Me (thinking hard till a lightbulb comes on): Oh! It's a fish port town! They ship fish!

I don't think of Pops as having an accent—to me, it's just my dad's voice—so these occassional reminders always take me by surprise and crack me up.

Son of a Dog

So Alex, Jon, Chelsea, and I are having Sunday brunch at a Mexican restaurant with family friends. Our waiter drops off a round of waters and as soon as he walks away, Alex points out that, according to the server's name tag, we are being waited on by Jesus Himself. Much discussion ensues about whether that makes the water we're now sipping holy water, if the lemon wedges in the glasses of water are also holy, and if the tortillas Jesus will eventually bring to the table are an acceptable substitute for Communion wafers. We also discuss whether being served holy food by none other than Jesus means that we can all skip church for a very long time to come, or if this conversation means we're all incredibly damned and need to get to church posthaste.

Eventually Jesus comes back to our table and, after telling us the specials, asks if we'd like to order or if we'd prefer the buffet. Our friend Jeff leans back in his seat, crosses his arms, fixes Jesus with a very serious look and says, "I don't know. What would you do?"

A whole tableful of people almost snarfed their holy water at that one.

(No, Jesus did not pick up on that particular turn of phrase. And yes, we tipped him very, very well when we left.)

There Can Be Only One

My sister and oldest nephew sit down to watch a made-for-television Highlander movie. The movie begins and the theme song starts playing.

Alex: Oh, I remember this from when we watched the show when I was little. I still like this song.

Chelsea: You know it's by Queen, right?

Alex: Yeah, I know Mom.

Two hours later, the movie finishes and the theme song plays over the end credits.

Alex (turns to his mom with a total WTF expression): This is by Prince?!?!

 

Highlander - The Complete Series (Seasons 1-6)