Next Time, We'll Harmonize

Once again in the car with the whole family, this time going over a bumpy stretch of freeway -- the kind you get when a lot of big rigs drive that freeway all the time. 

Calvin (voice vibrating from the road): AAAAaaaaAAAAaaaa . . . Everybody!

Four more voices instantly join in: AAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaa . . .

It should be noted that only two of those five voices belonged to people who are still legally considered children. :)

His Kung Fu Is Better Than Yours

A few years ago with the whole family in the car and my very young nephew, Jon, excitedly telling us about his first taekwondo belt test.

Jon: And then I had to break the boards. I had to use a hammer punch and an ass kick.

Chelsea (shooting Pops a "don't encourage him" look as Pops tries to stifle a laugh): Honey, are you sure that's the name of the kick?

Jon (earnestly): Yes, Mommy! I broke the first board with the hammer punch. And then I had to break the other board with my foot, with an ass kick.

At this point, we were all trying and failing to contain giggles, and Jon proudly continued telling us about earning his yellow belt by breaking boards with his hammer punch and "ass kick" for another five minutes. He meant this, if you're curious.

Nailed It That Time

Me showing off my trendy new manicure to my sister-in-law Nikki while my sister Chelsea is sitting nearby.

Me: They'd never seen this style before so I had to explain it a few times. Your people weren't too impressed with the matte top coat though; they thought I was crazy.

Chelsea (shocked and horrified): "Your people?!!?!" Nikki's not even Vietnamese! She's Chinese! "Your people?!!"

Me: Um, Nikki referred me to her manicure place. So they're "her people," her nail people.

(For the record, the wonderful ladies at the nail shop are Vietnamese, so my sister was right about that part anyway . . .)

Things I Never Needed to Know, Part 1

Calvin: Where are we going to lunch?

Chelsea: I'm taking you guys to a tapas bar.

Calvin: Hey Pops! Have you ever been to a tapas bar?

Pops (with a derisive snort): Of course I've been to a topless bar, son.

But Would the Military Take Him?

So ever since my nephew Alex was about yay high, Chelsea's jokingly threatened to ship him off to Swiss military boarding school when he stepped out of line. Once he hit his pre-teen and teen years though, the chant of "Swiss. Military. Boarding school." became more of a mental lifeline for my sister. Especially on those days when Alex was "not" having an attitude.

Because there's an LOL cat for everything, I made this one for Chelsea a few months ago, complete with a direct quote from her firstborn.

Nutty Nuts

My sister, Chelsea, and her teenage son, Alex, in a Vietnamese restaurant.

Alex (whispers): Mom, we're the only non-Asians here!

Chelsea (to her 1/4 Pilipino son): We're Asian too, you know.

A: Oh yeah. That's right. I have walnut-shaped eyes.

C: Oh reeeeeally?

A: Yes, I have walnut-shaped eyes.

C: Hand me my phone. I have got to tell your Tita this.

A (suddenly clutching his mom's cell phone, thinking really hard, knowing something's horribly, horribly wrong): Wait . . . did I say "walnut?"

C: Yup! Phone!

A: Noooo! (loses phone to his mom, who calls me)

C: Callie, your nephew said . . .

A (protesting): But there have to be people with walnut-shaped eyes somewhere!

C (finishes telling the story to me): Uh, no. That would be a negative.

A: When I grow up, I'm going to have kids with walnut-shaped eyes just to prove you wrong.

Me (over the phone): Well, he is a big, brown nut, so he's not that far off from the truth.

A (gasps in mock indignation): I might be a nut, but I'm not nutty!

Me: Alex, in the immortal words of J.K. Rowling, you're "nutty as squirrel poo . . ."