Semi-Horrified

My reaction today upon being dubbed the "semi-professional" audio/visual person for my department . . .

Callie: Oh my God -- I'm the Sandra Lee of A/V! My videos are Kwanzaa Cake!

(I should add that the "semi-professional" appellation was actually a compliment and my horrified reaction was a joke.)

Dollar Store Christmas

I dropped by the Dollar Store tonight and was browsing to see if there was anything I should pick up for my next charity box shipment. There was a young, not very well-off Hispanic guy in the craft aisle looking through the bunches of fake red roses and very carefully picking out the nice ones. This went on for a good 10 minutes and then, when I ended up in the craft aisle looking at stuff, he turned to me and said, "Four times seven is 28, right? Because I've got four stems and each of them has seven flowers -- that's 28 right?"

I told him he was right and he said with a rueful laugh, "You can tell I didn't really go to school." I shrugged and with a smile told him the only reason I had a clue was because I'd had some sugar and caffeine tonight. He laughed and looked at the bundle of roses in his hand. "Should I get, like, some leaves or something to make it nicer?" he asked.

"There's some baby's breath down here that I thought were really pretty," I offered. He looked puzzled, so I added, "The tiny white flowers they add to roses sometimes."

"Oh!" he exclaimed, liking the idea, and he headed over to check them out. He started selecting fake baby's breath as carefully as he had chosen his roses, and I went back to looking at watercolor paint sets and craft beads.

"I should get some ribbon or a vase to put them in, huh?" came his voice a few minutes later. He was holding the bouquet again, studying it and trying to decide what it needed to be perfect.

"If you're going to put them in a vase, they've got glass stones at the end of this aisle. They'll be really pretty in the vase and they help hold up the flowers too," I suggested. He wasn't sure what I meant by glass stones, so we walked to where the bags of shiny, colored stones were stacked beneath a selection of glass vases.

"Oh, I like that!" he said as he started sorting through the bags, looking for a color that would pair nicely with the roses. "Thanks -- it's a good thing you're here."

"Someone's getting a really nice present," I told him with a smile.

Crouched by the bottom shelf with his bouquet of dollar store roses in his hand, he gave me a brilliant smile, clearly thinking of the recipient. "She's worth it," he said sincerely.

I don't know if the flowers are for his madre or his novia, but I hope she loves them because they're the best Christmas present I've seen all season.

"Star" Struck

I just upgraded to a smartphone - an special edition Droid that looks like R2D2 from Star Wars and has a bunch of Star Wars-themed wallpapers and features. Some of my coworkers were checking it out.

Co-worker 1: A Star Trek phone is so you. It's perfect.

Co-worker 2: Yeah, you're such a Star Trek fan.

Callie (trying to speak diplomatically): Clearly my work here isn't done, because I am a big Trek fan, but this is a Star Wars phone.

Both co-workers: Oh. Yeah.

Callie: If you were talking to any other fan, you guys would be soooo much trouble right now . . .

The Letter of the Law

My sister, a friend, and I were dropping off Alex and one of his friends at the mall when the following exchange took place.

Chelsea: And I better not get any calls from security!

Alex (in a thoughtful tone): So that means we can get into trouble as long as we can outrun security so they can't call you. 

Chelsea's friend (deadpan): Yes—we just don't want to get the call.

Alex's friend (sagely): Oh, well—we're both Mexican so we'll just take off running and hop the fence . . .

Things I Never Needed to Know, Part 2

Text from Chelsea: Did you know that you can use cheesy poofs in fondue?

Reply from Callie: That text just redefined the phrase "apropos of nothing" . . . I don't know what to say.

Next Up: Polident and Metamucil

I'd tweaked my neck and the resulting muscle tightness was causing me a lot of discomfort and aggravation. While en route to the drug store I was on the phone with my older sister Chelsea.

Callie: I'm feeling all old and decrepit because I have to go buy a heating pad thing tonight to help keep my shoulder and neck from tightening up. Not an electric one like the kind you have—one of the disposable, adhesive kinds.

Chelsea: Oh yeah, that brand . . . Hey, wait! You just called me OLD AND DECREPIT!!

Callie: Whaaa? . . . (lightbulb goes on) . . . Oh my God, I DID! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!

I was laughing so hard I'm lucky I didn't drive across the center divider. Chelsea wasn't sure which was worse—that I called her old and decrepit, or that it was unintentional and evolved naturally from the course of our conversation.

Multi-generational Magical Mystery Tour

Jon and Alex have been exposed to a wide range of music, but the Rock Band video game has gotten Jon seriously hooked on at least one set of music legends.

Callie: Jon, who's your favorite band?

Jon (super excited): I love The Beatles! They're so cool! (His shoulders suddenly slump and his face gets sad.) But they're all dead.

Pops and Callie: WHAT?!!

Jon (perking back up): Is the girl still . . .

Pops and Callie: WHAT?!! The girl??!

Callie (thinking hard): Oh honey, Yoko Ono was married to John Lennon, but she was never a Beatle. And yes, she's still alive.

Jon (excitedly): So is John still . . . ?

Callie: Sorry honey, but he's dead.

Jon deflates once again, clearly bummed out.

Pops: Only two of them are dead—John Lennon and George Hamilton.

Callie: WHAT?!! Dad, George Hamilton's the actor with the orange spray tan. George Harrison's the Beatle.

Pops: There you go—George Harrison. He's dead.

Callie: Jon, Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney are still very much alive.

Jon (just about exploding with excitement): Paul's still alive! Cool!!